Dr. Jacobs has helped thousands of athletes from youth to professional & Olympic level competitors

On Monday, April 7, 2008, the University of Kansas Men’s basketball team won the third national championship in school history. A team with several experienced players, a very successful head coach and coaching staff saw the victory that had eluded them in the past few years. The team has several potential NBA players on the roster and had high expectations coming into the 2007-2008 season. The last KU team to win the national championship was in 1988 and was headlined by current KU assistant coach, Danny Manning. Year in and year out, expectations are high for the KU basketball team, with dreams of a national championship always involved in preseason discussions.
So, how did this team emerge with a victory in a Final Four that for the first time had all four number one seeds advancing to college basketball’s final weekend? Obviously, all four teams that reached the Final Four have tremendous talent, with several stars destined for the pros. All four coaches have been extremely successful with great resumes and backgrounds. Their coaching styles, recruiting abilities and motivational tactics together with the physical and psychological talents of their players all had roles in reaching the pinnacle of college basketball’s greatest tournament.

KU’s victories over North Carolina and Memphis were emotionally charged and exciting, but why were they able to win and not their opponents? I believe that one of the major differences was their attitude. No matter what the score, whether they were way ahead of North Carolina, or nine points down with two minutes to go against Memphis, the KU players never quit. Yes, KU sprinted out ahead of North Carolina by 28 points in the first half. By the middle of the second half, North Carolina cut the lead to four points, before KU moved way ahead and won by 18. Despite North Carolina’s great comeback, KU never stopped believing in themselves or their team’s ability. I think this starts with the head coach and moves all the way down the roster. The championship game against Memphis was close all the way until the Tigers went ahead by nine. Many teams would have given into the pressure and collapsed, but the KU players kept diving for loose balls attacking the basket and going after rebounds. Mario Chalmers three point basket with just over two seconds to play put the game into overtime, and KU vaulted ahead to victory.

I believe that the lesson we can learn for ourselves, as well as our young athletes is that no matter what, never quit, never give up. If you do, you may not always come away with a win, but you will always be able to walk away holding your head up high. Years ago, Great Britain Prime Minister Winston Churchill gave his famous speech in Fulton, Missouri about never giving up. As an athlete or coach, instilling that attitude in your mentality will help you become a success on and off the athletic field. Even though, KU won the national championship, all four teams that participated in college basketball’s final weekend were winners as well.

I recently drove by the elementary school both of my sons attended several years ago. It was a nice spring afternoon, a great day for a game of 500 at the baseball field or maybe just a neighborhood football game. Yes, there were kids on the baseball fields. Both fields had organized practices going on with a couple of dads coaching. There were several other parents sitting around watching. No one was on the soccer fields and I did not see any kids on the playground. Why not? I think there are a couple of reasons.

I am 53 years old and grew up in the 1960’s. After school, we used to go up to our grade school and play baseball or football until dark. My house had a wrap around driveway, so my friends and I always played basketball at my house. Usually, it did not matter what the temperature, we played until dark, and we did it all the time. Today, things are different. As I said, I believe there are two specific reasons.

First, and probably more a symptom of our society than anything else, there are legitimate safety reasons. Most parents today are reluctant to let their kids take off on their bike on their own. They want to know where their kids are and who they are with. As a parent, I agree with this. Because of the numerous media outlets we have, whether it is tv, radio, the internet, cellphones or papers and magazines, we are much more aware of and concerned about sex predators, child predators and unhealthy people in our society. Most parents will feel much safer knowing that their kids are at someone else’s house rather than playing on their own at the school or park. It is not uncommon for a group of kids to be playing, but under the supervision of an adult nearby.

Second, I think that today’s generation of parents have gotten way too caught up with signing their kids up on an organized sports team at a very young age. I have recently heard about four year old T-ball leagues that are being set up. In my opinion, there is no reason for this. Once kids start kindergarten, it is now commonplace to enroll your child on the soccer or basketball team, but I don’t think kids younger than kindergarten need to be put on an organized team. I doubt that most kids that age, go to their parents and ask to sign up for a team. It comes from the parents, because of pressure to keep up with everyone else, and for some because of the hope of their child playing in high school or college. Actually, the majority of kids who start playing a sport before kindergarten, usually quit before high school.

My main concern about this issue is are we as parents, because of our interest in getting kids in organized sports at a young age, curtailing their ability to create and play on their own? Have we organized everything so much for them, that we don’t give them the opportunity to choose sides and just play? Do they always need a parent around instructing them how to swing the bat or shoot the ball? Once in a while, wouldn’t it be a good idea to let them play on their own without an adult in charge? I’d like to know your thoughts.

In early February, a situation occurred at a small Catholic school in central Kansas regarding one of their basketball games. A high school boys basketball game was about to occur at St. Mary’s Academy. One of the two referees chosen to officiate the game was a woman, Michelle Campbell. Just before the game was to begin, St. Mary’s officials told Ms. Campbell that she would not be allowed to officate the game. The explanation that she was given was that it was inappropriate for a woman to officiate a boys game because a woman should not be put in a position of authority over boys. Because of this decision, the other referee and back-up referee, both men decided not to referee the game in protest of the school’s decision.

This was not the first time St. Mary’s Academy has been involved in a dispute between boys and females on the athletic field. In September 2004, St. Mary’s was supposed to play White City High School in a football game. However, when the St. Mary’s administrators found out that one of White City’s football players was a girl, they decided that they would rather forfeit the game, rather than play against a girl.

Obviously, St. Mary’s Academy has a very strict policy about their athletic teams. They believe it is inappropriate for boys to either be officiated by women, or for boys to play any sports with or against girls. When I discussed this topic on my weekly radio show on Sportsradio 810WHB, all of the callers to my show were unanimous in their discussion that the St. Mary’s officials are living by antiquated rules and decisions. One of my callers asked if any nuns were teaching any boys at the school, as that would put a woman in a position of authority over boys.

I personally believe that the decision to not allow Ms. Campbell to officiate could have been handled much more appropriately. If this is the school policy, they should have notified the high school activities association in advance and two male referees could have been assigned for the game. It is also very clear that if this is the policy that this school follows, the Kansas High School Activities Association should decide whether they want schools in their organization with these beliefs. I believe these beliefs are wrong and do not teach their students about equality and fairness in sports. This topic brings up a bigger issue.

Is it appropriate for women to coach and/or referee boys games? Is it appropriate for men to coach and/or referee girls games? If someone goes through appropriate training to be a coach or official, it should not matter what sex they are or whether they are coaching members of the opposite sex. I have seen men and women officials at golf matches, tennis tournaments, swim meets, and gymnastics meets. I have never heard of any problems or complaints about male or female officials at these events. I am aware of many teams that have women coaching boys and men coaching girls. As long as someone is trained properly, it should not matter who they are coaching, as long as they are qualified. In today’s society of gender equity, I find it difficult to believe that a school still has this biased philosophy.

Several times over the past few weeks, I have had conversations with parents, asking me how they should react and what they should say to their kids about wanting to quit their sport. If you have a son or daughter playing sports, sooner or later this issue will confront you. So exactly what should you do? What should you say? I think it depends on how old your child is and just what their reasons are for quitting. Essentially, there are three levels to discuss.

The first level relates to kids who are playing sports at the elementary school level. I have mentioned numerous times in this column that I feel as a society, we are starting our kids way too early in organized sports. The pressure to keep up with everyone else has led to many kids starting on an organized team before they are even enrolled in kindergarten. Too often, these kids are signed up by parents because they are afraid their kids will fall behind their peers. Many parents will get their child involved in a sport because they played it as a child and feel they will be able to help their child succeed. There is nothing wrong with this. However, many elementary school age kids will play to please their parents. They often don’t know any better and may eventually lose interest by fifth or sixth grade. I  believe that if your child is in this age group and wants to quit, there are two things to do. First, I believe it is important that once your child has signed up for a team, they should finish out the season. The only reason I would be in favor of allowing your child to quit during the season, would be if they are in an abusive situation where their confidence and self esteem are being harmed by participating. Second, if they want to quit when the season is over, talk with them about it. Give them some time off from the sport before you make a final decision. Sometimes just taking some time away will regenerate their enthusiasm.

The second level involves kids at the middle school level. Usually these kids have had much more experience playing and often will begin to lose interest when either they don’t get to play as much as their peers, or because their teams are not winning. This is where you the parent, must become the psychologist. Ask your child why they want to stop participating. If they give you a good reason, don’t get upset at them. Remember this must be their decision, not yours. Yes, you will be upset, especially if you have been coaching them. But, this needs to be about them, not you. Don’t let your personal feelings and upset become a barrier between you and your child because you don’t want them to stop. However, make sure they have another activity to get involved in. This is the age when too many kids can end up getting lost in the shuffle.

The third level relates to your son or daughter at the high school or college level. They have played sports most of their life and you have coached them, driven car pools, traveled to tournaments and sat on uncomfortable bleachers cheering them on. But, they are now at the age where it has to be their decision. No matter how difficult it may be for you, let them decide on their own. If they ask for your feedback, be honest, but let them know that it needs to be up to them. Remember the fun you have had watching them and assisting them. Be proud of them for making a decision on their own and know that you have succeeded as a parent when they can make this decision.

Listen to Dr. Jacobs every Sunday morning from 8-9AM on Sports Radio 810WHB. Reach him thru his website at www.winnersunlimited.com or call him at his office at 816-561-5556.

In early December, former Senator George Mitchell released the results of his study about steroid use in Major League Baseball. In his report, he released the names of over 80 current and former Major League players who he believed had either used or were using steroids or human growth hormone as a way to enhance their performance on the field. Many of the players accused in the report are well known and have had a long history of success.

Early in the NFL season, during a game between the New York Jets and the New England Patriots, the Patriots were accused of videotaping the Jets sidelines during the game in attempt to steal the Jets defensive signals. The Patriots are in the midst of an undefeated season, something that has not happened since the 1973 Miami Dolphins.

Unfortunately, almost every summer, we hear about cyclists riding in the Tour de France who test positive for performance enhancing drugs that are banned by the sport. Earlier this fall, Olympic sprinter Marion Jones, gave up her  five Olympic medals after admitting she had used performance enhancing drugs during the 2000 Summer Olympics.

Since 1981, I have been working as a sport psychologist with athletes from youth sports to the professional and Olympic levels. Unfortunately, throughout my career the topic of cheating has repeatedly been discussed at all levels of competition. Whether it is a youth sport coach who knowingly uses an athlete who is older than the age requirement or a high school coach who turns his head when the discussion of steroid use comes up among his star athletes, coaches at all levels are looking for whatever venue they can to win. And many will break the rules in the quest to get that championship.

The use of steroids and human growth hormone has become widespread in our society. The benefits to using them has been well documented. Athletes who use either steroids or human growth hormone will increase their strength and/or endurance. For many athletes and coaches, they know that using these substances will give them the edge they are looking for to defeat their opponents. However, even though they are against the rules, many will use them anyway. WHY? In my opinion, it is simple. It is because of fear, insecurity and a lack of confidence with themselves. I recently heard a quote that, “You are not trying if you are not cheating.”

So what do we do to stop this and start competing by the rules again? I think it is fair to say that no matter what the rules are, no matter how strongly they are enforced, there will always be someone who will cheat. It doesn’t matter what sport or what level, someone will always be looking for a way to avoid the rules. Obviously, the professional sport leagues, the Olympics and collegiate sports have implemented a drug testing policy. Some are successful and some are not. All have weaknesses. I believe we must start at the youth level. Not with drug testing, but with an emphasis on the importance of sportsmanship. I recently spoke with an official with the United States Tennis Association, who told me that cheating has exploded in tennis, not only on the court, but in applications to play in leagues. Many people who apply to play, blatantly lie about their tennis experience in order to play at levels where they will be able to win. This official said that the lies are getting to a point where it is almost out of control.

The National Alliance of Youth Sports, one of the top educational organizations for youth sports, has a one strike and you’re out policy. If a parent, who is coaching is caught cheating, he/she is banned for life, along with their child. Sounds harsh, but the organization’s founder, Fred Engh, has stated it is a necessity, because otherwise the problem will just continue. I feel, now more than ever, we must promote sportsmanship at all levels of sport, and we must begin with the young athletes and their parents who are just starting out. Proper sportsmanship policies should take precedent over winning and losing at the youth sports level. There must be appropriate education for parents, athletes and coaches. Young athletes should be taught the importance of being a good sport, and should be taught to not be afraid to tell their coach or parent if someone is cheating. Fear should not be the barrier to handle this problem. Being good communicators should become the emphasis for all involved.

I believe if we educate young athletes, parents and coaches we can help to keep this problem from developing at the levels it has grown to today. Teaching kids fundamentals is essential to learning how to play a sport. However, teaching them the values of honesty, integrity, respect and fair play will help them grow and develop not just as an athlete, but as a productive member of our society.

This past month, I had a new client come into my office with his parents. He is a teenage tennis player, who according to his parents, was having problems focusing on and off the court. During a match, he will sometimes start daydreaming and often get distracted by players yelling on other courts. In school, he stated that it is difficult for him to stay focused in some of his classes. Frequently, his mind will wander to his tennis matches, or just to thoughts that have nothing to do with his class. He said that several times teachers have called on him to answer questions that he wasn’t listening to, and he would be quite embarrassed because he had no idea what the question was. Both this young man and his parents were interested in finding ways to help him focus better and learn how to deal with his distractions. He had been tested for both Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The test results showed that he did not have either disorder.

In today’s society, it is very common to find young people on all kinds of medications, especially for ADD or ADHD or for depression and anxiety. All too often in my opinion, psychiatrists are quick to give a diagnosis and to put a young person on some medication that may not” always be necessary. We have become a quick fix society, and it is much easier to give someone a pill, than” to do talk therapy and find behavioral or other psychotherapeutic solutions to problems like concentration, anxiety or depression.” More and more I am talking with adolescent and teenage clients who appear to be suffering from” information overload more than from a psychiatric diagnosis. Young people today are bombarded with stimuli from every direction. Cable tv, Ipods, computers, cell phones, MP 3 players, video games… all provide venues to a young person’s concentration.

Email, voice mail, text messaging are different methods of communicating. In 40 years, we have come a long way from three television stations, transistor radios, and rotary dial telephones!

After three sessions with the young tennis player,” we realized that his” concentration problems were coming from stimulus overload. When he wasn’t in school or playing tennis (which he did approximately three hours a day) he was playing computer games or constantly text messaging his friends on his cell phone. From the minute he woke up each day until bedtime, his mind was constantly busy, with little time to relax and just hang out. We discussed a plan for him to take some time each day away from all the technology to just relax and visualize” positive things happening in his life. After one week, he told me how much better he felt and how much easier it was for him to concentrate both in class and on the tennis court.”

Many of the parents I have spoken with are frustrated that their young athletes have difficulty concentrating and performing to their potential. What I am finding out is that many of these young people are often involved in two to three activities at the same time. Typically, they will rush from one practice to another, doing their homework in the car and grabbing some fast food in between practices. Why? I believe it is because too many parents are in a hurry to keep up with everyone else. If their son’s friend is playing soccer, baseball and taking guitar lessons, than their son probably should also.

Perhaps the most important word I have been using lately in my sessions, especially with parents, is BALANCE. This doesn’t mean that everything is equal. It means that there is a place and time for everything. If you feel your kids are always rushing from one activity to another, that they are always busy, step back and take a reality check. Ask yourself if the stress of going from one activity to another is worth it for yourself as well as your child. How often do you have a family dinner at home where no one answers or uses their cell phones or Ipods and the tv and radio were off? Do your kids have time every day to relax and not have a planned activity? Can they go to bed and sleep through the night without being woken up by a voice mail or text message? Think about it and let me know your thoughts…

ATTITUDE AND FRUSTRATION
ON THE ATHLETIC FIELD

All too often in sports, we see athletes having temper tantrums. Sometimes it is after a play, sometimes it is on the sidelines, and sometimes it is in the locker room. After all, athletes are human, have feelings and can get upset just like anyone else. Unfortunately for them, in today’s society, professional athletes are under the microscope, especially during an athletic event. What they say, how they act and how they perform is constantly being evaluated on sports talk shows, on television, in the paper and all over the internet. And if that athlete is a star, their personal lives are scrutinized without much privacy.

Kids today are no different in many ways than they were 30 years ago. They still have sports stars as their idols and role models. Athletes are looked up to and admired because of their ability to perform and succeed under pressure and when the game is on the line. Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez, Tim Duncan… it doesn’t matter what sport, if they are a star their beliefs and actions are always being discussed and evaluated. Growing up in the late 1960’s my friends and I used to try to imitate our favorite football player, Chiefs wide receiver, Otis Taylor when we played football. Perhaps my most memorable radio show over the past 15 years that I have hosted was when I interviewed Otis and discussed his career.

So what happens when a professional athlete gets frustrated during a game? How can kids learn from this and what can you take as a youth coach to assist you in your coaching? Recently, Kansas City Chiefs All-Pro running back had an extremely frustrating game. Johnson, who was one of the top running backs in the NFL last season, was constantly getting stopped at the line of scrimmage or being thrown for a loss during the Chiefs loss to Jacksonville on October 7. Three times during the game, Johnson tossed his helmet in anger when he got to the sideline. He pouted on the sideline and wouldn’t look at his running backs coach during a conversation on the bench. His behavior was discussed at length on talk shows and on the internet. So what can we learn from this as young athletes and as young coaches?

Obviously, Johnson was extremely frustrated. He is used to gaining over 100 yards a game and is having a difficult time adjusting to getting stuffed at the line of scrimmage. His behavior on the sidelines represents a build up of that frustration because he wants to succeed, not fail. However, this behavior is not acceptable, not just to his teammates, but to young athletes as well. Sports greatest lessons are learned when we fail and how we adjust to it. Winning is easy to handle. When things don’t go our way, it is easy to fall into a rut, feel sorry for ourselves and point fingers at others

When coaching young athletes, discussing what happens when things go wrong is just as important as talking about technique. I have never met an athlete who wants to compete and fail. However, half of the teams that play will lose, so how we deal with it is just as important as learning how to run a clean pass route. When you have an athlete who displays a poor attitude during a game, it is your responsibility as a coach to use this as a “teachable moment”. Talk to the athlete and discuss the situation with them. Ask them why they are upset. Ask them if they know what to do get control of their feelings at that moment. If you have emphasized the importance of proper sportsmanship during practices and team meetings, then remind them. Numerous times I have heard about athletes who are the stars of their youth or high school team and “get away” with poor behavior because they are the best player on the team. I believe the rules apply to all athletes. As a coach, you are doing that athlete a bigger favor by discussing why this behavior is inappropriate, instead of letting them keep playing because they are the star. If you do, you may help them become more successful as their athletic career continues.

—– Original Message —–

After the first week of the NFL season, the New England Patriots were accused of cheating. During their game against the New York Jets, a member of the Patriots staff was accused of videotaping the Jets sideline. This was done as an attempt by the Patriots to pick up the Jets defensive signs the coaches were relaying to the players on the field. The Patriots employee was caught and consequently, the Patriots organization and head coach, Bill Belichick were fined $750,000.00 and lost a first round draft pick in the 2008 draft. So why would a 3 time Super Bowl champion coach have to resort to cheating in an effort to win the game? The Patriots are one of the favorites to go to the Super Bowl once again. They are loaded with talented players and coaches. What reason could there be for such a successful team to cheat and end up being severely punished by the commissioner? What kind of example is this for young athletes and coaches? If a Super Bowl caliber team is going to cheat, why wouldn’t a team without the talent? I believe that an athlete or coach that has to resort to cheating is doing it because they are insecure and lack the confidence in their talents and abilities to be the best. In the 26 years I have been working as a sport psychologist, I have dealt with this issue at all levels of competition. There have been Little League coaches who used players older than the age limit, golfers who would suddenly find a ball that no one else could find sitting up in the rough, tennis players who would repeatedly call shots out that landed in the court and basketball coaches who would pay off officials so that they could win the game. The Olympic games are structured around the emphasis on fair play and competition. Yet, blood doping, steroids and deliberate mind games are common in today’s competitions. Cheating is done at all levels. It doesn’t know any boundaries or parameters and is done with one reason. That reason is to win. Any team or individual who has to resort to cheating, whatever the form, does it because they don’t feel confident enough about themselves to come out on top. They are scared that the competition may have an edge and they have to resort to cheating to keep up with them. People cheat at sports, on tests in school, on their taxes and in relationships. When professional athletes cheat, it is done because they don’t feel they can win their game on their own laurels. They are scared and afraid that their competition may have an advantage which consequently results in their coming up with something outside of the rules to win. They are afraid their career could be over sooner than they would like and therefore feel they have to do whatever they can to win. Professional athletes are replaced every day. So what do we do about it? I believe part of the solution lies with the parents and coaches at the youth sport level. Almost every sport and every league has rules that we are asked to follow. However, almost daily we hear stories about coaches and parents who are breaking these rules. I don’t believe most young athletes come up with ways to cheat, they learn it form the adults. If you catch someone cheating, confront them about it. Go to the officials at the game, the administrators of the league and make them aware of it. The key to solving cheating is to be strong enough to confront the coach or team who is guilty of it. If you want your child or your team to have the best chance to succeed and most importantly to have fun, be assertive enough to speak your mind when you catch someone cheating. New York Jets head coach, Eric Mangini did it, and consequently opened the door for you to be able to speak your mind as well.

If you are a parent of a young athlete, perhaps one of the most gut wrenching times in sports, is what you should do when your child comes home and informs you that they have just been cut from their team. Your son or daughter could be on a youth baseball team, softball team, soccer team, or they could be trying out for a spot on their high school team. It really doesn’t matter as it can often feel like you as a parent, have had the wind knocked out of you. So what should you say and what should you do? I know many parents get extremely angry and immediately want to go speak to the coach. Some parents try to stay out of it and let their child handle the situation and yet others will attempt to take the situation as a positive and encourage their child to try another sport or activity.

First of all, let’s discuss why kids are cut from teams. Obviously, some sports teams like baseball, softball or basketball only have a certain number of spots on the team. Usually, most coaches on these types of teams will hold tryouts and should inform the parents and athletes that they are only taking a specific number of kids on the team. However, some other sports like swimming, cross country or even tennis and golf, can have A,B, or even C teams if the coach is willing to take the time to work with the athletes. Some schools don’t have the funding, but I believe if there is a will there is a way to find a spot for all the kids that want to participate. I believe it is important for you as a parent to ask questions to the coach before the tryouts begin to make sure you know the length of the tryout, the number of kids who will make the team and the criteria the coach has for choosing who makes the team. If the coach is evasive about answering these questions, I would be hesitant about having my child sign up to tryout for this team.

How are some kids cut? Some coaches put a list on their door. Sometimes the list has the names of the kids who made the team and sometimes it contains the names of the kids who were cut. Some coaches leave email messages or voice mail messages or may just give the athlete a note stating whether they make the team or are cut from the team. I feel the best way to inform a young person is to tell him/her in person and to tell them why they are being cut. Often, this conversation can make a very positive or negative impact on this young athlete. If you just stick a list on your door, or send an email telling these athletes that they didn’t make it, you could possibly contribute to the end of that young person’s involvement in sports. Their confidence could be effected, they may think they aren’t any good and they may believe they will never have what it takes to succeed. However, if you speak with the athlete in person and give them a straightforward reason about why they are being cut and give them some positive feedback about the areas they need to improve in, I believe you could have a very positive impact on their continuing in the sport.

I recently discussed this topic on my weekly radio show and had some great comments from some callers. One caller mentioned that when he was cut from his high school basketball team, the coach told him he thought he would have a lot of success in wrestling and even brought the young man to the wrestling room. This young man made the wrestling team and participated on it throughout his high school career. Another caller mentioned that after his 12 year old son was cut from the baseball team, he tried out for track and ended up getting a partial scholarship to participate in track in college. As we all know, in life we all fail, sometimes multiple times on the same project. However, I believe if we can take this rejection and make it a catalyst to help us grow and develop, this negative situation can become a positive one as well. As a parent, or coach, give that young person a little while to be upset, but then help guide them to make something positive out of the negative. If you do, you will have helped this young person more than you may ever imagine.

The Pros and Cons of Coaching Your Child’s Team

All year round youngsters of all ages can’t wait to get on the basketball court, baseball diamond or soccer field. For months we have discussed in this column some of the positives and negatives concerning youth sports. Sports is a way of life in our country and is a great way for kids to make new friends, express themselves and learn about how far they can challenge themselves mentally, emotionally and physically.” Some of the most common questions I am asked as a sport psychologist are, “Should I coach my child’s team?” “Would it be better if someone else coached my child?” “Do I tend to play favorites for or against my child when I coach their team?”

Youth sports has become extremely organized and structured. Leagues are forming, for better or for worse, at younger and younger ages, and are led by parents who volunteer a lot of time and energy. I have stated numerous times that I believe that kids should play sports to have fun and to learn skills and techniques that can help them grow and become better at life, not just sports. Yes, winning and losing are important components of sports, but youth sports should be about the experience, more than the score at the end of the competition. Most kids would not be able to play if not for their parents. Moms and dads drive carpools, wash uniforms, buy snacks and cheer on the sidelines. And for many, their parents take the time and energy to volunteer as a coach.

Over the years, I have worked with many athletes who have shared stories positively and negatively about their parents taking the time to coach their team. For many, these experiences have left a significant impact on their lives. I believe that most youth coaches who are coaching their child make a concerted effort to not play favorites with their child. However, sometimes this can backfire and cause problems between the athlete and their parent. Some coaches take the extra effort to make sure they don’t play favorites with their child, but end up going too far in that direction. At the same time, some coaches coach, ” just to make sure that their child gets to” play as much as possible because they may believe that their child is the most talented and has the best skills of all the players on the team. Often, they are correct that their child is the best because they may spend lots of extra time away from normal practice hours working with their child on their skills, and consequently, their child is better. However, this is no guarantee that their child will be better in four or five years. In fact, many of these kids end up burning out because they end up spending too much time on the sport and not enough time doing other activities.

I think there are two key components to balancing out your time as a youth coach. First, take the time to communicate with your child and your spouse about your goals for the season as a coach and make sure you ask your child what their goals are for the season. Don’t assume they are the same as yours. Second, make sure you have an assistant coach you can trust and be able to communicate with about being fair with all of your athletes. If you are spending time working on specific skills, let the assistant work with your child and you can work with his/hers. This will eliminate either of you being accused of playing favorites. Also, remember, youth sports is about having fun, it is not about your desire to win or lose, but about giving the kids an opportunity to have an experience they may remember for a lifetime.