A coach’s job is to coach, to motivate and to get their athletes to perform as close to their potential as possible. Every time I speak to a group of coaches, I always tell them that they are psychologists. They have to evaluate and understand their player’s psyches, their goals and their fears. As a result, they need to know when to push an athlete and when to put their arm around their shoulder.

I believe the key issue in terms of motivating athletes revolves around respect. When a coach and athlete are able to communicate clearly, openly and honestly it doesn’t matter what method they use, it is the message they are sharing. However, if a coach feels the need to scream and yell at an athlete, I feel that they are missing the point of being a coach. Does yelling work? Sometimes it does, but most of the time, I believe it is done out of frustration. A coach who is able to communicate his or her thoughts clearly and calmly will get more out of their team then the one who feels the need to lose control.

A coach who yells at an athlete may get their attention initially, but eventually will lose them if they do it too much. Coaches are teachers, as well as psychologists and motivators. They must be able to communicate in a balanced and controlled manner. A coach must have balance in their communication skills. If they feel they need to get their athletes attention sometimes raising their voice can work, but repeatedly screaming will eventually result in losing the athlete, and probably the game as well.

How often as a parent or coach have you wondered, “Am I putting too much pressure on my child or athlete?” Do you as an adult feel that sometimes you are making too many demands on your athlete to do everything correctly? What happens when this young athlete tells you they don’t want to do it anymore? They show it emotionally and in their actions that they are not interested in their sport anymore. What do you do when they try as hard as they can to please you as a coach or parent, but they can’t? How do you react to that? Are you critical and condescending or supportive and understanding?

Recently, I have had several conversations with a variety of amateur and professional athletes about their relationships with their parents. A few of the professional athletes, who have become very successful, still are struggling with the desire to please their parents, (specifically their fathers). Several of the high school athletes are suffering from different forms of anxiety disorders because in part of an internal fear that they cannot please their dads with their athletic performance. One high school basketball player said that his dad is always at his practices and is quick to tell him each day what he had been doing wrong and what he needed to do to correct it, or he would not get a college scholarship. This young man is only a freshman.

Most kids begin sports around age 6 or 7 by joining a soccer, football, baseball, or softball team, or by beginning tennis, gymnastics or swimming lessons. No matter what the sport, usually it is because their parent wants them to join a team or get involved in an activity. That is great from a health and a social perspective. Kids will probably have fun initially and enjoy being part of an activity. But, eventually, by around age 12 or 13, kids will usually either want to keep playing and get better with a dream of playing in high school or beyond, or they will lose interest and want to quit. Obviously as a parent, this can be a difficult time. Do you support them if they want to stop playing, or do you push them to stay involved and keep playing? I have found that this is an age where either a child has genuinely lost interest and wants to do something else, or they want to quit because of the pressure they feel is coming from their parents. I believe the best way to handle this is to have a discussion with your child after their season has ended and find out the reasons they want to quit. Is it because they are no longer having fun, don’t feel they are as good as their teammates, or do they feel too much pressure from you as a parent? They will probably share the first two points, but will usually be reluctant to mention the pressure they may feel from you, because they will not want to let you down. This is where you need to put on your psychologist hat and ask yourself they question, “How much pressure am I putting on them to

participate and continue?” If you feel you are putting too much pressure on them, you need to back off and tell them you want what is best for them, not for you. Even if you have the best intentions, putting too much pressure on them to play will more than likely make them want to quit even more, and probably not give them a chance of ever wanting to play again.

Most of the professional athletes I have consulted with over the years who have had this problem, have told me that they have played for many years out of fear of letting their parents down. Even though all of them have told me that their part of their success came from their parents pushing them, most have shared with me that they wished they could have been able to talk with their parents about their feelings about wanting to take some time off once in a while and be able to have taken a break. None of them have shared with me they thought this would have deterred their progress.

So if you are a coach or a parent who may be pushing your athlete, sometimes a little bit too hard, ask yourself the question, “How does this young athlete feel about playing and about how hard I am motivating them?” Ask yourself if you should back off a little and let them have a little more fun and figure out if they are playing for you or for themselves.

So what do we learn from this game. What lessons do the players of both teams take away from the game. Quotes from several players on the losing team, have indicated that these girls did not take this the wrong way. Several of them have stated that a game like this will only make them better players and more appreciative of what it takes to win. How do the girls on the winning team learn from this? I think this will depend on what their parents and school administrators discuss with them. This brings up a bigger question in my opinion. That is, what do you tell your team in a game like this? If you are the coach of the winning team, do you tell them not to shoot? Do you tell them no to try when you are up by 50 points? If you push your team to be the best, and aim for excellence, how do you not tell your team to not try? I don’t think you can. If you are a coach of a high school team, you will do everything you can to teach your team to be the best, but at the same time, you have to emphasize the importance of sportsmanship.

In the ideal world, this game should not have been scheduled in the first place. The losing team has not won a game in four seasons and is renowned for it’s work with students with learning disabilities. However, the game was scheduled and as a coach, you never teach your players to quit. I think this game touches on two issues. Just like youth sports have a limit to the number of runs that can be scored in an inning in a baseball game, should there be a mercy rule about how many points a team can score against another team before the game should be stopped? Second, a coach should have a plan regarding what to do, if a game like this is scheduled, to teach their players to work on things like passing or defense and not focus on scoring. Lessons can be learned by the players, coaches and parents of all these athletes, most importantly if they talk about it, about their feelings and how they will grow as an athlete and a person from a game like this.

What do you think?

As a parent, when you begin to start your child in athletics, one of the first steps you take is to find a sport and a team to sign up your child. There are all kinds of leagues and levels of competition. Obviously, your child has to want to play the sport. But, once you decide what sport, your next challenge is to pick out a team. Youth sports is loaded with all kinds of individuals, qualified and unqualified who are coaching. One of the most important decisions you will make as a parent with your child’s athletic career, will begin with what team and what coach you decide to coach your child. When picking out a coach, I would suggest you talk to parents of other children who have been coached by this individual. Find out why the coach is coaching. How does he/she communicate with the kids and the parents? What are his/her goals for coaching? I believe the most important qualities for a coach at this level should be to be an excellent communicator. That means to not only be able to express himself, but to be a good listener. At the youth level, it should not be about winning, it should be about success and getting better. How does the coach coach kids when they fail. Do they yell and scream and condescend kids, or do they teach and coach them to understand what they have to do to get better. Many people in our society feel we coddle our kids too much. Too often we just give out ribbons and trophies just for competing. Yes, it is important to reward young kids for participating, but we must also be able to teach them how to succeed. Good coaches at the youth level, will be good communicators, good listeners, good delegators and individuals who are not coaching for their ego, but for the goal of seeing kids have fun and improve.

At the high school level, it is a different situation. Most high school coaches coach because they love coaching and teaching. Some do it for their ego, some for the extra money it provides, but most are in the profession because they want to. Usually the pay isn’t very good and the feedback is usually negative, especially when you have someone on your team who is not happy. And most high school teams have someone unhappy on the team. The qualities of a good high school coach are the same as a youth sport coach, but should also include excellent leadership skills. I always say a good coach is a good psychologist and at the high school level, you have to understand a lot of factors that contribute to an athlete’s participation. A good coach will be able to listen, communicate and be assertive when necessary. This individual will not be afraid to establish rules and back them up, and should also know how to listen to and communicate with parents as well as athletes. Winning is an important component at the high school level, but making the experience a positive one that athletes will remember later in their life is more important. High school coaches are often tremendous role models because they are willing to help kids get better and accomplish their goals.

So who will Scott Pioli choose? And why will he choose him? These are interesting questions that will have even more interesting answers.

One of the most frequent questions asked about leadership is, are people born with leadership skills, or is it something that they can learn to acquire. Basically, are leaders born or made? After 27 years working in this profession, I think it is fair to say that some people do have some of the natural abilities to lead. However, I feel those qualities are usually demonstrated by their parents and people they are surrounded by as they grow up. Consequently, it comes naturally to them, because these are the characteristics that their role models have displayed to them and as a result, they will express as well. They will not be afraid to either speak their mind, or lead with their actions when necessary.

Others can learn to become leaders. I believe that many of us can learn to take charge and set an example, often as a result of frustration. Many of the athletes I have worked with over the years have told me that they have gotten tired of being on teams that either lost too often, or just did not perform to their potential. When this frustration gets to a certain level, they will either lose control and often perform impulsively, which typically ends up in a penalty or a suspension. Or, they will realize their team is missing the key ingredients that only a leader can display, and they will be willing to step out and take a chance to lead, rather than watch the team fail again.

Perhaps the most important ingredient of leadership is communication. Obviously, there are two ways to communicate, verbally and nonverbally. Many athletes I have spent time with have told me they let their actions speak for themselves. They feel that the mannerisms they display and the actions they express on the athletic field, speaks volumes for them. Others have told me that they feel it is important to verbally express themselves to their teammates. These individuals are often not afraid to confront a teammate who is not performing well, and maybe most importantly are not afraid to admit it when they have failed. These athletes and coaches have realized that if they have the confidence to admit their mistakes, they believe it may give others the direction to improve as well. And, as the individuals improve, the team will collectively improve as well.

However, the most highly publicized story of cheating at the Summer Olympics centered around the Chinese women’s gymnastics team. Once the Chinese women had won the team gold medal, the question was asked by many about the legitimate ages of these young women. Several of these outstanding young women did not appear to be at least 16 years of age, the minimum age requirement to perform in Olympic gymnastic competition. A couple of these girls looked as if they still had their baby teeth.

Did these girls give a gold medal performance? Yes, they did. If age was not an issue, should they be allowed to keep their gold medals? I believe they should. However, the minimum age requirement was 16, not 14 or 13. Information received from competitions from last year showed that several of these girls were 13 or 14 last year. How could they possibly have aged up two years in one year? Because the Chinese sports leaders were obsessed with nothing less than winning more gold medals than any other country, no matter what it took. After this information was revealed, the Chinese stated that last year’s ages were incorrect and that the girls were of age. Did we really think they would admit their athletes were not old enough and that they would forfeit their medals? Of course not.

The International Olympic Committee announced they would investigate these accusations. It is now October and we have not heard the results yet. Will we ever have a clear and honest answer? I doubt that the Chinese will admit they were cheating. Just like the Eastern German and Russian sports programs in the 1970’s and 1980’s, nothing is more important to them than winning. Consequently, if they have to cheat to get their medal, they will cheat if they don’t have the confidence to do it honestly. In my opinion, this is a sad example of what the Olympics are all about.

Natalie Coughlin won six medals, more than any other American woman in any sport at one Olympics. Dara Torres, at age 41, won three silver medals and proved to all of her naysayers that you should not use age as a limit to your dreams. Nastia Liukin won four medals and Shawn Johnson three in women’s gymnastics. Both women were shown numerous times visualizing their events while waiting for their turn to compete in their events. Numerous athletes in both gymnastics and swimming were quoted after events about how their mental preparation helped them handle the pressure of Olympic competition.

So are Olympic champions the only athletes who can benefit from mental preparation? Of course not. I always like to say you can have two athletes of equal skill and physical make-up, but the one with the stronger mind will come out on top. All of the previously mentioned athletes have spent countless hours preparing for competition at the Olympic level. Although they spend countless hours in the pool or in the gym training and training for hours on end, they also spend a significant amount of time mentally going over their events. Part of this training involves preparing for all the situations they can imagine prior to and during their events. I always encourage athletes to make a “What If” list. In this list, they write out every kind of scenario they can imagine that could occur prior to, or during their competitions. Michael Phelps WAS prepared for his goggles filling up with water and he WAS prepared for the 100 butterfly where he was dead even coming to the wall. Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson had practiced thousands of times in their minds what would happen if…….

Research has found that athletes who visualize have a significantly greater chance of success compared to athletes who don’t. So it does not matter if you are a weekend warrior, a little league baseball player or an athlete with Olympic aspirations, take the time to mentally prepare for your event. It may be the difference between your success or failure at reaching your goals.

One of the exercises I have the teams participate in has them make a list of the issues they face as high school athletes who want to make it to the next level. Each of the eight teams makes a list of the issues they have to deal with on a daily basis. After they share the list with the group, we discuss the topics and attempt to find ways to assist them at dealing with these issues. Although they listed a wide variety of topics, the one common issue that each group listed was building self confidence. Throughout our discussions, the athletes all mentioned how their confidence was perhaps the most important attribute they needed to maintain in order to achieve their goals of advancing to play in college. Almost all of them mentioned that there were times when their confidence was negatively effected by coaches, parents, teammates as well as opponents and referees. Many of these young men stated that often they were more concerned with what others said or thought about them, than what they needed to do to be more focused about themselves.

Self confidence, which I feel essentially means how you believe in yourself, is one of the easiest things an athlete can lose, and can be one of the hardest things an athlete can build. I equate to climbing a mountain of mud, one slip and down to the bottom you go and you have to start all over again. For years, this has been one of the most important topics I have worked on with athletes at all levels of competition. I have found that the best way to build it, is to develop and establish a strong foundation. This can be done by setting realistic, short term, easily attainable goals. By accomplishing these goals, one step at a time, I think it gives the athlete the opportunity to taste success, yet not jump to far ahead of himself. For example, if you are teaching a tennis player how to hit a serve, break the serve down into three parts; footwork, the toss and the serve itself. Too often, athletes get confused by being told too many things at once by a coach, and consequently get overloaded too quickly. If you work on the short term goals, one step at a time, you will give the athlete the opportunity to feel good about himself, too see his success and to give themself the opportunity to try a little harder, or more difficult task the next time.

I have found the other main component related to building self confidence has to do with who influences you. Many of these basketball players shared how easily distracted they became before, during and after games by others. Consequently, they were at times, so easily effected by others opinions, that they would lose their focus and eventually, their self confidence. I asked these athletes to draw four concentric circles. In the center circle, I asked them to list the most important people in their life. In the second circle, people who they cared about outside of their inner circle. In the third circle, people they had to deal with, who were not that important to them and in the fourth circle, list the people they had to deal with that they did not like. I have found this exercise can make you aware of who has an influence on you positively and negatively. By realizing this, you can then make a decision about who you want to effect your self confidence

On Saturday, June 7, 2008, the sport of horse racing was set to watch the running of the Belmont Stakes with the hope that favorite, Big Brown, would become horse racing’s 12th Triple Crown winner. Big Brown was the overwhelming favorite to win the race and become the first horse since Affirmed in 1978 to win the Triple Crown. The excitement had been building quickly after Big Brown ran away from his competition in the Preakness three weeks earlier. Even though he had been treated for a crack in his hoof, Big Brown’s trainer, Rick Dutrow, was more than confident that he would easily defeat his competition. In fact, he was so convinced that Big Brown would easily win the race that during an interview, he “guaranteed victory”.

Dutrow was not the first athlete, coach or trainer to claim victory before the competition began. Perhaps the most famous of all guarantees came in Super Bowl III from New York Jets quarterback, Joe Namath. He promised the Jets would defeat the Baltimore Colts and become world champions, and as we know, they did.

But, have you ever wondered what would have happened to Namath’s career had the Jets lost? Over the years, many other athletes have promised a victory for their team, usually because on paper, they were superior to the competition. However, this overconfidence or cockiness, often became the downfall for many of these athletes and teams and led to their demise. Upsets happen all the time in sports, mostly because the superior team or athlete just takes it for granted that because they have a better record or are more physically dominant, they will win on their reputation alone. And as we know from many examples, most recently the Belmont, it just doesn’t always happen that way.

Even though Big Brown was in a good position as the horses ran down the backstretch, his jockey, Kent Desormeaux, did not feel he had what it would take to win the race and pulled him up as the horses entered the home stretch. Dutrow was extremely upset and soon after the race even blamed the jockey for his horse’s failure to win. Although they could not find anything physically wrong with Big Brown, he obviously did not have what he needed to win the race.

I was extremely interested in the outcome of the race, as Affirmed was owned by my cousin, Patrice Wolfson. I had the privilege to have watched him race five times and over the years have come to appreciate just how difficult it is to win the Triple Crown. Patrice’s father, Hirsch Jacobs was the winningest trainer in the history of horse racing when he died in 1970. His horses had won 3,596 races upon his death, but had lost several thousand more. As an adolescent, I spent several days one summer going to the track with my uncle and learning a little about the sport. One of the many things he taught me, was to never take anything for granted, especially when it comes to sports. I learned a quote from him and his son that I have used as my philosophy,
“Sports is the greatest theatre in the world, everyone knows their part, but no one knows what will happen”.

No matter what sport you compete in, no matter what position you play, no matter how many hours you train, there still is no guarantee that you will win. If you go into a competition being mentally and physically prepared, having a positive, yet realistic attitude it will give you the best chance for success. When the day comes that you start to get a little overconfident, remember Rick Dutrow and his guarantee that Big Brown would win the Triple Crown. Instead of winning the Belmont, he became the first horse in history to enter the Belmont with an opportunity to win the Triple Crown, and end up last.

Over the 27 years I have worked as a sport psychologist, I have dealt with Olympic athletes, professional athletes and national champion collegiate athletes, all of whom have had negative thoughts and negative self talk overtake them during their athletic careers. You would think that athletes at those levels would be immune to such thinking, but they are no different than the weekend warrier. During our lives we all have to learn how to handle negativity, whether it is in school, work, sports or relationships.

I vividly recall one of the 1984 Olympic cyclists who won a medal, who constantly fought his negative thoughts while he road, even when he was in the lead. He would often think of reasons why he wasn’t strong enough or fast enough to win the race. Even though he had been through a superior training program, was in the best shape of his life and had one of the fastest times in the world in his event, he still came up with reasons why he would not win. He thought this way because he had grown up in a world of constant criticism from both parents about why he wasn’t good enough and why he would not succeed. We worked together on getting him to identify these thoughts and come up with a game plan to overcome them while he competed.

Another national champion swimmer used to tell me why she wasn’t going to win. Even though she had the fastest times in her events in the country, she was very good at telling me why her opponents would beat her in the big races. For her, it all centered around self-doubt. She had a youth level coach who rarely complimented her and usually told her she needed to and could do better, even when she would set personal best records.

For both of these athletes, as for yourself, there usually is a reason related to past performances why you will think negative thoughts. It may have come from statements others may have made about you, from personal expectations you have set for yourself, or from the dreams you may have to be a champion. The key to overcoming these thoughts is to identify when you think them and why you think them. Start keeping a journal of the negative and positive thoughts you think about during competition. You will find a pattern that exists for each. For each negative thought, write down the opposite positive thought. Start identifying the situations you think these thoughts and become aware of when you think them. Train yourself to change these thoughts from negative to positive. Remind yourself about how hard you have trained, and about your personal goals. The more aware you become of the negatives you are thinking, the more aware you will become of changing them.