Dr. Jacobs has helped thousands of athletes from youth to professional & Olympic level competitors

On my weekly radio show on Sunday, May 20, I had an interesting caller. My show that morning was about attitude and how it effects your level of play. The discussion revolved around how athletes, parents and coaches can respond to positive and negative comments.  The caller stated that his 10 year old daughter played on a competitive soccer team. Recently, after the team had played a bad game the female coach got upset and told the players that they “sucked”. He called to ask my opinion of what had happened and my opinions about what to do. I had numerous comments for this caller.

I think it is inexcusable for a coach of any youth sports team to tell the athletes either as individuals or as a team that they “sucked”. What could this coach have been thinking? What would be the reason that a coach at any level of youth sports would make this kind of statement to their athletes? How would a group of 10 year old girls respond to this kind of comment? As a parent, what should you do when you hear your child’s coach make this kind of statement?

First, I want to emphasize the philosophy of the National Alliance of Youth Sports (NAYS). Fred Engh, the founder of NAYS, has spoken with me numerous times on my show and always reinforces that in youth sports you should let the athletes play, let the coaches coach and let the parents parent. This may seem rather simplistic, but if most people followed this philosophy, we would have fewer problems in the world of youth sports. However, sometimes I believe it is important for parents to speak up to coaches and for coaches to speak up to parents.

In this situation, I feel this coach was totally out of line. There is no excuse for any coach at any level of youth sports to speak to their athletes or team in this manner. Self-confidence is one of the most sensitive and easily destroyed aspects of any person’s personality, especially that of a 10 year old. It is obvious that the coach’s main concern focused on winning, because it she was more interested in the personal growth and development of the athletes, she would have never made this statement, or used the term “sucked”. 10 year old soccer players, whether male or female are going to make mistakes, play good games and bad games and more than likely be more interested in where they are going to eat after the game than how they played.

My suggestion to this father was that if this was typical of this coach to talk in this manner, than it would be imperative to speak with the coach privately about his concerns. I suggested that he emphasize why he was upset with her language, but more importantly that he express his concern about the message she was giving these young girls. I like to talk with my clients about how self-confidence is one of the easiest personality traits to lose and one of the hardest to gain. Letting the coach know his feelings in a constructive fashion could not only prevent this from happening again, but also may help this coach realize the role she may be playing in the development of these young girl’s lives.

As always, I believe it is important to have a preseason meeting with the coach of your child’s team. The purpose of this meeting is to not only discuss the goals of the season, but to also speak with the coach about his/her philosophy about winning and losing and about how the coach will be coaching. Usually you will be able to determine in this meeting if the coach is more concerned with wins an losses than with teaching and development. This meeting will help you make the decision if this coach and team are the one for your child.

Have you ever been to your child’s youth sporting event and seen a parent act inappropriately? Ever watched a parent yell at the umpire or referee (who happens to be a teenager), throw up their hands in disgust when their child strikes out or misses a key shot in the game, or storms off in anger because another child on the team (other than their own) screws up at an important time in the game? How often have you been frustrated by these actions and wished you could do something constructively without making a fool of yourself as well?Well, part of the answer lies with the purpose of this month’s article.

I recently had lunch with an NFL coach, who has been a head coach and part of a Super Bowl champion staff. We discussed the importance of communication between himself, the other players and the other coaches on his staff. He told me that the most important aspect of being a coach has to center around being an excellent communicator. However, he told me that most NFL coaches are  poor communicators because they assume that their coaching staff is on the same page with them. He emphasized that this couldn’t be further from the truth. It was surprising for me to hear that he stated that most teams don’t take the time to make sure everyone is on the same page, because they assume so, rather than work on it.

As parents, teachers, coaches and businessmen, we all know that open and honest communication is one of the key components of a successful business, family or team. Organizations that take the time to effectively integrate new employees into a company almost always take the time to explain the company mission statement and company policy during the interview process. This can help future employees decide if this particular company is a place they would like to work.

In youth sports, I have always encouraged and emphasized that coaches take the time to set up a mandatory preseason meeting with parents. There are several reasons to set up and have this meeting. First, it gives the coach an opportunity to explain his/her philosophy about why they are coaching, as well as to discuss the practice and game schedule. Second, it gives the parents an opportunity to talk with the coach about their goals for the season, if the coach is more interested in winning and losing, or in teaching and learning technique. But, most importantly, it will give both parents and coaches alike, the opportunity to discuss whether or not this is an appropriate team for the young athlete to participate on. It is a the perfect time to discuss the significance of sportsmanship and behavior by coaches, parents and athletes. I feel that this is the best time for a coach to discuss what types of behaviors are acceptable or not acceptable by all. I strongly emphasize that coaches and parents should discuss not just the behaviors of the young athletes, but also the behaviors of the parents in the stands and the coaches as role models. I believe this is where a coach should discuss the do’s and don’ts of interacting not just with the athletes during a game, but also with the coach and officials.

By taking the time to explain proper sideline behavior on and off the field, it will usually eliminate unruly behavior by all. You can develop a game plan about who should speak with the officials during and after a game ( this should almost always be the coach). It can make parents aware of how their behavior can not only make a fool of themselves, but more importantly, embarrass their child. In the end, it can help make youth sports not just a positive learning experience, but also an enjoyable one for coaches, parents and athletes.

As a sport psychologist, I work with individual athletes and teams in a variety of ways. Frequently, this time of year, I am asked the question by coaches and parents about teamwork. For many baseball and softball teams, this is the time of year that coaches are trying to build their teams and are deciding who to choose to make up the team. April is also the time of year for the NFL draft. At the NFL draft combine each spring in Indianapolis, potential draft picks are not only tested for their physical talents and abilities, but also for their psychological makeup. Most of the draft picks are given the Wonderlic test to evaluate their intelligence and aptitude to solve problems. Many teams use this information to determine the psychological strengths and weaknesses of their potential draft picks.

Over the past few seasons, it has become all too obvious that too many players in the NFL and NBA have personal issues that have effected them off the field as well as on it. NBA player, Ron Artest continues to have issues with his temper and personal behavior, while nine (Alan check out this number to make sure it is correct) players on the Cincinnati Bengals have had skirmishes with the law. Recently, Chicago Bears defensive lineman, Tank Johnson was sentenced to three months in jail for possesion of firearms. Obviously, the NFL and NBA need to do a better job of deciding the types of players that they are choosing to play in their leagues.

So, if the pros are having difficulty choosing the types of individuals they want playing on their teams, it will also be difficult for youth sport coaches to get the best players for their team, both physically and psychologically. After all, many coaches don’t get to choose the players on their child’s youth rec team, they often get kids who sign up who are in the same neighborhood or school system. So what is the best way to get everyone on the same page and play together. I believe it starts with the preseason meeting. This is where the coach meets with the parents and athletes and explains his/her philosophy about winning and losing, about his/her expectations and goals for the season and what they will expect in terms of commitements from the athletes and parents.

No matter how much planning a coach puts into getting the season going, there will almost always be personality issues between players along the way. One of the most common questions I am asked by parents and coaches is do players need to get along and be friends in order to play well. The obvious answer is that it is always better when everyone is on the same page, but it is not always necessary. For a basketball or soccer team to click at their best, it is important that all the players, starters and reserves know their roles and what is expected of them for the season. This is where the coach needs to be a good communicator and know when to have the players discuss their issues and resolve them when a crisis occurs.

However, I don’t believe it is essential for everyone to all be the best of friends and always be getting along. Some of the great Oakland A’s teams often had serious disagreements. Several times, Billy Martin and Reggie Jackson had to be separated in the dugout by teammates and coaches before they fought each other, but they still went on to win several championships.

For the best chance of success, it is important to make sure the coach is in charge, but also has an assistant coach who can be a good communicator and someone to bounce ideas off of. For the players, it is always best when there are leaders on the team who are not afraid to express themselves both verbally and by their actions on the field. It is always best to make sure there is an opportunity for players and coaches to discuss their issues when everyone isn’t getting along, before things get out of hand.

It is time for March Madness. The NCAA tournament is about to begin and with it comes hype, excitement, hopes and dreams for numerous collegiate basketball players, coaches and their fans. However, every year the unthinkable occurs, a team with a high seed will lose to a team no one would ever think would have a chance to beat them. Why does it happen? Overconfidence? Early tournament jitters? Or maybe the fact that sports is about attitude and beliefs.

Every year in the NFL, the NBA, the NHL and in the major leagues upsets happen. In fact, they happen all the time. So why does a team or an individual lose a game, a match, a competition that they are heavily favored to win? I think there are several factors that play a role.

First of all, I think all too often, the heavily favored team takes it for granted that they are going to win. They know their team is stacked with better players, better coaching and a better record. They are sure they will win with one hand tied behind their back. They know that there is no way they will lose to a lesser opponent with less talented players and inexperienced coaches. You know where I am going? This is the overconfidence factor and is the beginning of the collapse that leads to an upset. The first step that usually occurs for an upset to happen is quite simply being overconfident. The team with the better record knows that they are better than the other team and either don’t get prepared properly, as they normally do, or just assume that because they have won more games and have all-star players, they will win. Consequently, this overconfidence leads to a lack of preparation, a lack of focus and a bad start to the competition.

Second, once the favored team falls behind because of their overconfidence, the next thing that happens is panic. This is the key step that will either lead to the better team regrouping, refocusing and concentrating on what their strengths are to overcome the bad start, or to an overall collapse that will result in a tremendous disadvantage that becomes impossible to overcome. The panic stage is where teams either realize that they need to slow down and refocus or where they get uptight, worried and begin pointing fingers at each other. If the team doesn’t regroup in time, the players will collectively get uptight, begin thinking negative thoughts and begin worrying about how they are going to explain how they lost before the game is over.

Third and maybe most importantly perhaps the most important factor that can prevent the upset from occurring is the combination of leadership and a positive attitude. A team that has players and coaches who are not afraid to take the lead when the pressure is on, will have the best chance to overcome their poor start and get the rest of the team back on track before the bottom drops out. Leadership is all about being assertive and not being afraid to be in the spotlight, whether that means by physically taking charge or by verbally speaking up and challenging not only themselves, but their teammates as well. Leaders will know when to be positive and how to pump up their teammates or athletes without coming across as arrogant or cocky. They will know what to do because they will have been in this situation before and will have seen what happens when the negative thinking takes over.

I always like to share a quote with my clients that was told to me by my late, great uncle, Hirsch Jacobs. When he died in 1970, he was the winningest trainer in horse racing history, having saddled 3,596 winners. He told me, “Sports is the greatest theatre in the world, everyone knows their part, but no one knows what will happen.” if you take this approach to all of your competitions, I think it will help you to always be prepared and never take anyone or any team for granted

If you have a child who plays sports, you have seen it. If you have gone to a youth sports game or a high school game, you have heard it. What am I talking about?

The parent who goes over the edge. Inevitably, it will happen at your daughter’s softball game, at your son’s soccer game or at a tennis match. It could be a dad who gets frustrated because his child strikes out with the bases loaded or it could be the mom who thinks her son isn’t trying enough. Believe it or not, the mom can often be worse than the dad because she is usually the one driving the car pools, washing uniforms and running to get water bottles and snacks when their kids have run out or forgotten them.

Unfortunately, sometimes it can go too far. In Oklahoma City, a high school soccer player was recently arrested for suspicion of murdering his father. His father was constantly berating him on the sidelines at his high school soccer games. Apparently, these degrading comments were not only restricted to his sports play, but also to his academics. The son admitted to murdering his father and stuffing him in a freezer. Obviously, this is not the norm, but this man’s comments had gone too far.

Cheering and booing at sporting events have gone on since the chariot races in Rome. Expressing yourself at a professional or college game is usually accepted. However, most stadiums have announcements before the game about unruly behavior or foul language being unacceptable and individuals who participate in these behaviors may possibly be escorted out of the stadium or arena.

But, what about at your child’s youth sports event? What are the rules there? Some leagues have rules that are enforced and some do little if anything about it.

Today, most youth sport leagues have sportsmanship waivers parents must sign when they enroll their child, but I feel most are not enforced. Usually, it is just a piece of paper most people just sign and don’t read. Most, just require one parent’s signature, so consequently, the other parent may not know anything about the sportsmanship policy at the games.

So what do you do when a parent on your team starts yelling at their child or maybe at yours? Do you say something? Do you sit on your hands and hope some common sense comes to this person: Do you go get something at the concession stand and sit somewhere else?

I believe the worst thing you can do is to confront the person who is screaming and yelling. Fred Engh, the President of the National Alliiance for Youth Sports (NAYS) and I have presented two teleseminars about youth sports and have discussed this topic at length. As Fred has stated, “violence begets violence”.

At the coach’s preseason meeting, parental behavior in the stands should be one of the most important topics discussed. Each team should have a procedure for handling parents who go over the edge at a game or at a practice. I believe it is the coach’s responsibility to have a policy that should state what is appropriate and what is not at games.

I feel if a parent becomes unruly at a game the team should have a policy that another parent notifies the coach during the game, if the coach hasn’t noticed this behavior himself/herself.

It is then up to the coach to speak with the parent and ask them to get under control or to leave the game for a few minutes and calm down. I also believe if this behavior is repeated, that parent should be banned from attending any more games or practices for the rest of the season.

This is a policy that should be made very clear at the preseason meeting and should be enforced throughout the season. The NAYS has found out that teams that back this up, usually don’t have problems with parents or kids during the season, and in the end, this makes the youth sports experience a pleasant one for fans and most importantly, for the kids who are playing the games.

What do you think? I would like to see your comments.

Often I am asked by my clients, “What can I learn from failure?” My answer is everything and nothing. It really depends on who you are and how good you want to be.

Sports are the greatest venue for us to learn about winning and losing and about success and failure, because the score at the end of the game or competition doesn’t lie. You either come in first place or you don’t. You either ran a best time or you didn’t. You either shot a lower score on the golf course to beat your archrival or you did not.

So how do we achieve the results that we want? What can we gain by losing or failing in our quest to be the champion? I believe it depends on your attitude, on your ability to grow as a person and on your desires to become the best you can be.

There are so many variables that are components of success: commitment, attitude, honesty, communication, preparation, goals, confidence, overcoming fear … we can go on and on.

However, during my 25 years working in the world of sport psychology, I have learned that the very best athletes, coaches and teams would all admit one common theme: they all hate to lose. It doesn’t matter if it is the Super Bowl, the World Series, the NCAA Championship, the high school state title game or a game of ping pong in your basement, the best athletes despise coming in anywhere but the top.

Often, for many of them, they appreciated the taste of victory because they spent many times losing to the competition. After failing to reach the top, they learned that when they finally achieved their goal, they savored the feelings it gave them.

The November 20, 2006 issue of Sports Illustrated had the Kansas Jayhawks on the cover as the number one basketball team in the country. The day the magazine came out November 15, 2006, the team lost to Oral Roberts University in Lawrence, Kansas.

Numerous quotes from the players and coaches referred to the team being overconfident and letting the national media attention get into their heads. They took it for granted that they would win their game because they were ranked number one. Oral Roberts took it as a great challenge, as it was a huge underdog. Kansas lost in part, because it did take it for granted that because it was ranked, it would win. It worked the opposite way.

Earlier this year, the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl. They were the last wild card team in the AFC and won three road games in the playoffs to make it to the Super Bowl. The team knew it had a tremendous challenge ahead of them and attacked each game knowing that it could be their last of the season. The Steelers won the Super Bowl because they were not afraid to lose because they had everything to gain and nothing to lose by being the underdog in each game.

When a team is consistently winning, and having a lot of success, it is not unusual to forget the simple things that go them to achieve their success. Just like the Kansas basketball team, you can often believe that you will win because you are who you are, instead of doing the extra things, like running an extra ten minutes in your workout, spending more time working on your short game or talking with your coach about what he/she thinks you need to keep doing to continue to improve and succeed.

When you fail to reach your goal or lose the competition, you can take it one of two ways. You can either blame everyone else why you lost or you can look deeply in the mirror at yourself and recommit yourself to your training to take the time to understand your mistakes and why you made them.

The greatest athletes and coaches, when giving their victory speech, will always refer back to the days when they were losing, as to the days they learned the most about themselves. Those are usually the days the athletes refer to as reality checks and the time to look deeply at their commitment, their desire and attitude and the confidence they need to be their best.

You will almost always hear the champions talk about how much they hate to lose, but also about how the days that they lost left a bad enough taste in their mouths, that they made a commitment to themselves to never let that happen to them again.

Good Morning, november 8, I am looking forward to speaking with you tonight at the teleseminar.

Dr. Jacobs next teleseminar will be  “How to Avoid and Overcome the Issues that can Ruin your Child’s Youth Sports Experience”  November 8, 2006 with Dr. Andrew Jacobs and Fred Engh, founder of the National Alliance for Youth Sports.  Details and sign ups will begin October 27, 2006

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